Thursday, September 4, 2008

Relationships vs. Doin' it. Riddle me this...

Quickly, people, cause you know this chick's bizzay! Was just reading Time Out New York on the can and read this question/answer in the "Get Naked" section...I want to know what my readers think of this! And I want ACTUAL OPINIONS. Comment on this, dammit - let's get a convo brewin'! Jamie Bufalino, TONY's sexpert, is he genius...or an ass?

Click "Read More" for the intriguing question - and even better answer.

Q: I'm 20 years old, attractive and accomplished, and I recently split from my boyfriend of two years for absolutely no reason other than that he is afraid of getting too tied down so early in his life (we had a flawless relationship otherwise). So like a rational girl, I've reentered the dating world, but found all of the guys falling woefully short of my ex. Also, I've been spoiled with great sex on a regular basis for the past two years, and being single is an unpleasant shock. My feelings (not to mention my body) are all telling me I'm meant to be with my ex, perhaps forever. But how exactly do you get a 22-year-old man in the most adventurous and flighty stage of his life to realize this?

A:...What if, instead of completely breaking things off, you and the ex opened up the relationship a little? You guys would have to come up with the precise terms of this arrangement (when you can sleep with other people, how often to get STD checks to make sure everyone's having safe sex, what the level of disclosure would be), but if it's the concept of being completely tied down that's freaking him out, why not give the guy a little slack? Since you can't fight his biological urge to have sex with as many women as possible, just roll with it while providing him with something the other girls can't: a nurturing relationship that seeks to accommodate the needs of both people involved (I can already hear the feminists screaming at me for letting the guy get the better end of this deal). Obviously, this arrangement would not be for everyone, and perhaps he was just using the "I don't want to settle down so fast" excuse, when in fact there were other reasons he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with you. Still, if you're happier having him in your life than out of it, there are ways to make that happen so that everyone gets what they want.

- From Jamie Bufalino's "Get Naked" column, Time Out New York, Issue 674



Cara Underwood said...

I'm not a feminist, and I have a huge issue with this so-called advice.

Instead of telling this girl the truth (which is two part in her case) he feeds her some horseshit where she gets to demote herself from uh-may-zing girlfriend to fuck buddy.


How about, instead of feeding people advice based on what YOUR penis would like to hear, lets offer her intelligent and sensitive advice. This girl is sad about the demise of her relationship of 2 years. Her boyfriend turned 21, went to a few bars that she couldn't join him at, he saw the all you can eat pussy buffet provided at 99% of bars, and either slowly or quickly grew disinterested in his relationship with her.

Not the nicest thing, but hey, shit happens.

So instead of showing a little bit of empathy and acknowledging that OF COURSE she is going to miss her boyfriend, that dates are not going to compare, and that she is desiring a once again active sex life, this twat extraordinaire is telling her to continue to harvest a physical bond with her ex, which will only lead to false hope??

Here's MY advice, solicited or not.

Keep going on dates. Sleep with people if you want.
But DO NOT, under ANY circumstances start, continue or encourage a physical relationship with your ex. It will only make it harder to move on. And that is EXACTLY what you need to do.

Eventually, those things you compare will start to switch, and you'll start to notice the things that you DIDN'T like about your boyfriend appearing in your dates, making it easier for you to weed out the jerks. You'll also begin to notice the things you missed out on while you were with your boyfriend.

You'll also eventually find someone who you can have regular sex with, and it might be even better than it was with your ex.

I need to simma down now ...

Anonymous said...

dude's a genius. both of them get what they want in the end....stop bitching

Cara Underwood said...

I'm not bitching.

Simply offering my thoughts on what I would have offered this girl as advice - instead of "continue to sleep with your ex boyfriend while you're both free to sleep with other people without it becoming an issue OR a relationship."

I can tell you right now that the girl won't partake, and what's going to happen is that she is going to get her heart broken. I've been there. I've done it. I've bought the t-shirt.

Matt said...

(lundberg voice) ummmmmm yeah, im going to have to go ahead and disagree.

I think its wrong to say this girl won't partake. I think shes so hopelessly hung up on this guy that if the advice column told her to put a choke collar on while licking the bottom of his Tims, and she'd have a shot at having him back, she'd consider it.

If you were there, and you got the T-Shirt, you should know a 22 year old guy that says he doesnt want to be tied down is currently tapping something/one. Not he wants to fuck someone. Not hes going to. He is. If he said that while hes still dating you, or while hes breaking up with you, congratulations, youve been cheated on.

I dont doubt that this girl could go out and find something better. Its a big fishbowl. But i have a hard time swallowing (ha!) this girl was so uh-may-zing if he peaced out just for strange pussy.

My opinion? Its 21st century advice. If she wants to have a relationship with a real future (see: Marriage (gross!) ), this probably isnt the best solution. However, if she wants to continue getting a piece of 22 year old superboy, whether it be a longterm solution or a shortfix, I think youd be hard pressed to see him not atleast give this a shot.

Sr. Marmalade said...

thats some shit advice.. why go through that specially after 2yrs, cut it

Sr. Marmalade said...

thats some shit advice.. why go through that specially after 2yrs, cut it

Anonymous said...

This is all very, very simple. Is he worth waiting for? Do you think the two of you will eventually live happily ever after?

So, give him time to do whatever the fuck he needs to do and/or experience. You go on with your own life and do your thing. These are the possible scenarios of what may happen:
1. He does his own thing, whether it be partying his ass off, experimenting in homosexuality, or fucking hookers and/or strippers, and throughout it all, he may either stay single, fall in love with someone else, or possibly get his head out of his ass regarding you (the girl).
2. You suffer for a little bit with bad sex, boredom of masturbation, lack of fullfillment, but you live your life, and you have as much fun as possible. You perhaps meet someone else, and realize the ex really wasn't shit anyway?
3. You drink yourself to near death and drunk dial him occasionally. You masturbate while thinking of past sexual scenarios where you felt supior to him or degraded him in some way. Eventually you fuck everyone in the book, and you are still not satisfied. You want something more.

I really wanted to stop after the first 2 sentences, I kinda went on, but I really intended to keep this fucking short, I swear.

Jamison said...

I'm going to throw my support behind the majority here. This bastard's advice is going land this poor girl in a world of hurt. Why isn't it mentioned that sex with someone new is almost never as great as sex with someone who got to know your every quirk for two years? You get what you put into a relationship, and new relationships are a lot of work, but they can also be a lot of fun.

I would have hammered her on how great dating can be and just told her that any trepidation was just nerves, but it's all opinion anyway.

Alex said...

Seems to me, when you get past the gender politics and the magnetism of the argument over "free-love" (ie: whether screwing is involved or not), there is ONE issue at the heart of the advice: slack. Cutting a partner some slack, cooling your jets & giving them a little room, is expert advice in any and all areas of life, love and all esoteric states in between. Some people attach a bit of a new-agey title to it, calling it "allowing". But any which way you cut it, i believe if ever there were a means to salvage, save, inspire or encourage a relationship it would be cutting some slack and allowing for some space. Dig it.

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